Today I understand Bella (from the Twilight series) and her agony. I understand why she physically wrapped her arm around herself to hold her emotions together. My reason is completely different from hers but I get it. Sometimes I feel so much emotional pain and helplessness that I curl up into a ball and just try to keep myself whole. I feel that I’m going to break into a million pieces; mental breakdown, I guess. Life’s waves feel like they have taken me under and I just can’t see which way is up. Every once in a while, in my tossing and turning under water, I see the sun and I know that is the surface. I just can’t seem to emerge. Tears come and go. Irritability sets in and then I push it away with conscious patience. My mind tells me that I am failing at everything around me. And I kinda am: my daughter is inappropriate and boisterous at the wrong moments; my son doesn’t take anyone seriously when they tell him to do something and he is trying to have tantrums; my husband and I are talking to each other, not communicating, and feeling distant. No part of life feels good or functional. I’m just being tossed around. And all with a smile or at least a “Yeah, I’m OK.”
The last thing we, as Christians, want to hear at times like this is “God is still there” or “He’ll bring you through it”. WE KNOW THAT! We’re followers of Christ for a reason – because we know He can do what we can’t. We worship Him for His unconditional love for us, at times where we don’t trust Him and we know better. We haven’t let go of God or our beliefs. We’re just being tossed. And at some point the waves will recede, we’ll come to the surface, and we’ll breathe once again. Until then HELP us, not with your words but with your actions. We may not tell you exactly what’s going on so look for clues. If you see a mom who looks tired and frustrated, offer to keep her kids. If she won’t let you, give her a spa or massage gift certificate for whenever she can go. If you see a father who seems quiet and distant, ask how he’s doing. Men don’t always get this question because everyone presumes that they are “OK”. Some men need that little extra attention to know someone cares and is thinking about them. (And maybe slip him some tickets to a sports event so he can get away too). If it’s a young adult who looks preoccupied and you know she’s worried about her future, ask if she wants you to look over her resume or if you can help her in her job search. Offer your physical services to people, within your realm of abilities, so they don’t just hear lip service.
Once we move away from talking about helping people to acting on it, I believe our suicide rate will come down. We won’t have as many people taken completely under by the waves of life. Many times, people commit suicide because they implode. Implode means to collapse or cause to collapse violently inward. Those feelings I explained earlier can cause that inward collapse. The person feels as though they can’t let everything out because there’s no one to trust; yet the emotions don’t go anywhere and they keep mulling these things over in their mind. They aren’t able to express themselves to anyone the way they really need to and they succumb to the negative feelings inside.
Knowing there is at least one trustworthy person around can be a lifesaver. Literally. For a person to be #1 – confidential about others’ problems and #2 an active part of helping them out of the overwhelming parts of life – is a rare thing. People who exhibit all of these qualities must stand up, teach others how to support those around them, and repeat. As a community we will be able to save more lives than we are even aware of.
If you’re being tossed by life right now, I want to say this to you:
Although life will toss you, you don’t have to be overtaken by the waves. You can emerge and overcome. But you have to hang in there to do so. I know because I’m hanging in there too. Everyone won’t understand your struggles and wonder why you “just can’t be happy”. But there’s a wife and mother on the East Coast who is currently being tossed as well; who has many things to be thankful for but who is struggling to shake the sense of failure and defeat in her life. There is a woman who can’t see the surface either. But deep down inside, the God in her won’t let her let go. And that same God can be there for you as well…whispering “Failure? Defeat? Not so”.
Unconventional Morality 